Wow! None Of These Friends Have Slept With Each Other

SAN DIEGO, CA— Get ready to be jealous! You’ve heard of friend groups getting matching tattoos or going bungee jumping together, but this gang of pals is taking things to the next level. None of them have ever slept with each other! 


This inspiring posse is employing a revolutionary method to strengthen their bonds as lifelong buds: not fucking everything up by screwing your closest friends. #SquadGoals!


“It’s never been about sex for us. The real treat is the connections we’ve built over the years as friends,” said friend group member Jamie Webb. “Although Derek and I did get to second base last year in P-town. But that doesn’t count!”


According to this crew, there’s one key trick to make sure those long-held friendships stay platonic: keeping it in your pants when there are literally millions of other people out there who aren’t intimately interwoven into your day-to-day life.


Absolutely obsessed! But that doesn’t mean this friend circle hasn’t faced its fair share of challenges. “Steve and I did that thing a couple months ago where we matched on Chappy and then just never brought it up in real life,” reported Gregory Liu. “But that’s what’s so great about our squad. It’s not about how insanely attracted I am to each and every one of them or how many times I’ve watched that Instagram video of Steve doing pull-ups… Come to think of it, maybe I should shoot him a text and see what he’s up to… I love my friends so much.”


Truly friend-spirational! And when these best pals aren’t sharing stories or cuddling up under a blanket—platonically!—to watch Drag Race, they’re just doing molly and swimming naked in Sebastian’s penthouse pool.


“People always ask me if we’re sleeping with each other, but what’s important to me are the close bonds we’ve cultivated after years and years of friendship,” said just-a-friend-o Christien Saunders. “But what’s also important to me is that I’ve drunk texted Jason to “come over” four times now and still nothing’s happened. What gives, buddy?”


See? That’s what’s so great about these amigos: they’re not afraid to set boundaries when necessary. Liu confirmed that when he and Saunders accidentally ended up in a threesome together with that guy Avi from Sebastian’s party, the pair refused to fool around with each other and instead just topped Avi simultaneously.


And don’t think others aren’t taking notice! When checking in with the bartender at the boys’ favorite haunt, all he could say was, “Those guys aren’t all dating each other? At all? I mean… yikes.”


So there you have it, folks! This group’s secret to lasting and healthy friendships? Not mixing in unhealthy sexual situations which will obviously have serious short and long term repercussions.


“I just want everyone to know that they, too, can have these same kind of rewarding friendships,” said Webb. “All it takes is honesty, emotional availability, and schedules so goddamn tight that it’s impossible to get a moment alone with Derek—that sexy beast!” concluded Webb. “I mean respect… respect is what it takes.” 


Friendship truly is beautiful!

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