A recent Supreme Court ruling declared the Civil Rights Act of 1964 protects employees from being fired for their sexuality or gender identity. Brandon Miller, a 25-year-old gay cashier at the local Marshall’s, celebrated the decision by sipping a large Diet Pepsi on his cigarette break and coughing up brimstone.
“In order to stay competitive in the chicken sandwich market, we knew we had to make a change,” said Chick-Fil-A CEO Dan Cathy, “and that’s why we’re proud to do the bare minimum for all you perfectly tolerable queers out there. Please buy our food.”