CLEVELAND, OH— Two weeks went by without a word after Geoff Underbrandt, a 30 year-old New York man, went on a Tinder date with Kyle, a freelance fitness consultant. Evidence on Instagram shows that Kyle is now dating someone else because he didn’t feel a connection and didn’t see this going anywhere.
Sources say the two men flip-fucked after playing Quiplash with three of Kyle’s ex-boyfriends, so Underbrandt thought this could’ve been the real deal. However, things got weird after they walked around EQ3 without buying anything and then Kyle stopped texting back and blocked Underbrandt on Tinder.
Unfortunately, this pattern is all too common. Scientists have noticed that potential partners, after three weeks of dating, have begun admitting that they “don’t feel a connection with you” at record high numbers.
Top and bottom researchers from Johns Hopkins University can now trace this phenomenon back to vers bottoms, boys in theater, and men who are 5’10”. These individuals exhibit an affliction scientists call “Acutely Dismissive Of Unwanted Care, Happiness, and Ejaculations”, or being ADOUCHE.
Medical experts warn that being ADOUCHE can life altering consequences for those afflicted. Potential side effects include a constant need to delete, then re-download, every single dating app, matching with the same guy on Hinge and Tinder without messaging him, and having a complete and utter disregard for other people’s feelings.
“I once chatted with this guy for three weeks on Tinder. I was really happy when we eventually moved to texting,” admitted one subject. “After eating Chipotle bowls in the park for our second date, I sent him a Chromatica Oreo meme and he texted me ‘Who is this lol’. I knew I was dealing with a guy who had symptoms of ADOUCHE.”
The issue has been elevated to Dr. Anthony Fauci, the now chief medical advisor to President Joe Biden. “I have no words,” said Dr. Fauci. “Simply put, this is an epidemic greater than COVID-19.”
Those who have come into contact with someone exhibiting ADOUCHE are encouraged to avoid planning their entire future with this person on a private Pinterest board and avoid eye contact entirely.
