At Christmastime, many trans people young and old wish for safe, affordable, and equitable access to gender-affirming care, but without universal healthcare, it seems like these wishes can’t come true. That’s why Santa has announced he will now be fulfilling wishes for top surgery himself! Talk about trans allyship!
Though Santa is known primarily for his toy manufacturing, with the help of elf researchers, he has now dipped his toe into surgical care. In a statement to the press, Santa explained, “usually I leave the medical stuff to doctors, but the wishes just weren’t coming true. I had to step up.” Those who wish for top surgery this Christmas should soon expect to receive a ticket to ride on the Polar Express to the North Pole for consultation, surgery, and recovery at the hands of Santa’s elves.
While the elves have not received any formal medical education, they have rigorously trained for the procedure using spare copies of the game “Operation” from past Christmases. Dr. Blitzy, Head Elf of Surgery, stated, “the team is still working out some of the kinks with nipple grafts, but we feel confident we’ll figure it out by Christmas.”
One excited 23-year-old transmasculine person, Sock Quinn, was flabbergasted, “you’re telling me Santa is real, AND he’s not charging me a co-pay?” Prior to Santa’s announcement, Quinn had been on a long waitlist for top surgery while fundraising to cover costs. Quinn says that now they are just closing their eyes, letting their heart sparkle with the joy of holiday magic, and making a wish.
Santa confirmed that he received Quinn’s wish, as well as thousands of others, and added them to the double mastectomy list. The list will be checked twice to confirm pronouns. Rather than traditional wrapping paper, Santa has opted to use surgical binders for these gifts. Santa cautioned, “I know you will be so excited, but just be sure you don’t unwrap it until one of my elves does a follow-up in two weeks!”
When asked to comment via email, one private insurance company wrote, “we are shocked to learn that transgender people would rather have invasive surgery at the hands of elves without medical training as opposed to waiting four years and paying our reasonable $250,000 co-pay.”
If all goes well this Christmas and private insurance companies continue to make it difficult for trans people to get gender-affirming care, Santa has made a commitment to provide hormone replacement therapy, bottom surgery, and facial feminization surgery next year for any trans person who wishes for them, regardless of religious faith. Santa went on to clarify he still will not be covering contraceptives.
