Long-time lesbians, Layla and Sheryl both had big plans for their anniversary brunch last Sunday. After finishing off their vegan chilaquiles, Layla Singh stepped away from the table and got down on one knee. However, before she could even reveal the silver band etched with glowing symbols, her girlfriend, Sheryl Simons jumped out of her seat and pulled an identical ring out from under her flannel.
After a record breaking election, a record breaking recount. And in a replay of the election, the recount is dragging its feet as well. Last time, a cocktail of mail-in ballots and legal interference were to blame, but this time: gays trying to do math.
“We have elected many different white men to be President, but never before have we dwindled down such a diverse group of ambitious and qualified candidates down to one single straight white male candidate to face another straight white male candidate from the opposing party,” said Tom Perez, the chair of the Democratic National Committee.
To make matters worse, remaining in the closet leaves the door open to depression, low self esteem, and potentially becoming a beloved Republican Senator for multiple terms in the United States Senate. Indeed, it seems impossible for any openly gay person to win in South Carolina, a fact not lost on Adam Miller, a newly gay 18 year old resident of Greenville.
Authorities were relieved, but not exactly stunned, if you know what we mean, to find missing 8-year-old Carlson Phillips lingering by the men’s briefs rack in the Lackawanna County Target on Tuesday evening.