It’s been one hell of a year. Our lives have been upended. We’ve all been forced to take a good look in the mirror and ask ourselves, who even are we anymore? But with the roll out of both the Pfizer and Moderna Covid-19 vaccines, AND the Sex and the City spinoff just around the corner, it’s time to ask yourself, are you a Carrie, Charlotte, Moderna, or Pfizer? Take this quiz and find out!
1. Your friends invite you to brunch – outdoors of course! Don’t worry, there’s heat lamps. Do you wear:
A. A Betsey Johnson faux fur number that looks a bit too costumey but assures everyone I’m an artist of sorts.
B. A classic off-white Burberry coat that’s never seen the outer boroughs.
C. The same sterile plastic syringe I always wear.
D. Heat lamps! I need to be kept at -70 degrees celsius. I’ll be skipping this brunch!
2. Ladies, it’s happy hour! What’s your poison?
A. A Cosmopolitan, duh.
B. Just a glass of your best sparkling, thanks.
C. I’m the easygoing one. Just make it effective, clear and cold!
D. Ok, I hate to be that girl, but if you could you throw some ribonucleic acid in a shaker with a bit of potassium chloride and polyethylene glycol I’d reaaaaally appreciate it!
3. People are dying to know…where the hell does your money come from?
A. Well…I just got a gig at Vogue. They’re paying me $4.50 a word. Most people get $2, Charlotte!
B. Oh I come from money, but I’m really nice and down to earth, I promise!
C. Dolly Parton just gave me one million dollars! How cool is that!
D. I don’t mean to sound arrogant, but I was founded in 1849 and was ranked 64th on the 2020 Fortune 500 list of the largest U.S. corporations by total revenue.
4. It’s been a long day. Time to head back to your humble abode. You go home to:
A. My Upper East Side brownstone that I implausibly got a mortgage on.
B. 930 Park Avenue. I will live and die here.
C. A cold, clinical, sterile FiDi condo.
D. 235 East 42nd Street, my global headquarters biiiiitch!
5. Finally, how are you being distributed?
A. Via a weekly column
B. Oh I only take cabs. Usually my doorman hails them for me.
C. Look, my minimum purchase order is only 100 doses which is very manageable. It’s not my fault we’ve had like NO national distribution plan until like, right now.
D. Sorry I’m running behind. Here’s some Viagra to snack on while you wait.
Results:
Mostly A’s: A perpetually lost, spineless, overgrown baby. Congrats, you’re a Carrie!
Mostly B’s: A plays-it-safe WASP who hates giving blowjobs. Congrats, you’re a Charlotte!
Mostly C’s: The lower-maintenance “fun vaccine”, partly funded by a country superstar. Congrats, you’re a Moderna!
Mostly D’s: Old school and dependable, but fucking full of yourself. Congrats, you’re a Pfizer!
