DECORAH, IA— For many households, the winter holidays feel more like war than peace. Battle lines have been drawn in one way in particular. Carl Seymour, 24, took to Twitter to announce amid some thotty bathroom selfies that he has been delegated to the kids table at his boyfriend’s family Christmas gathering.
Seymour stated that he feared this would happen, ever since Jason Conrad, 40 and a total daddy, shared this hesitance with him the week before.
Seymour shared that Conrad worried that his parents and his boyfriend would have nothing to talk about because “Carl was not alive in the 80s.” Seymour’s Twitter history shows that he had been studying up on the decade by watching the original Star Wars trilogy and episodes of “The Goldbergs.”
“What more do these boomers want from me?” Seymour posted. “I’m wearing a sweater that doesn’t have any drag queens on it. I left my clacking fan in the car. I even had their weird hot version of an iced coffee.”
When Jason’s parent’s, John and Jenny Conrad, were contacted, they answered our email with a phone call.
“We meant no ill will to the boy,” John Conrad shared. “But in our defense, we didn’t even know he existed until we saw him at our door.”
“We thought Jason was volunteering with the Big Brother program again,” Jenny Conrad added. “Every year, Jason has brought home different young men around Carl’s age. Frankly, they made for horrible dinner conversation.”
John and Jenny recalled an incident last year when they learned that a Shangela had been robbed but for some reason, no one called the police.
However, those at the kids table are fervent supporters of Seymour’s argument.
Representative of The Kidz Table Addison Conrad, 7, argues that a transfer older dining company will be best for her party. “The sooner he sits with the big kids, the sooner he can stop kicking me and the others. His legs are so bony and he clearly doesn’t fit in the chair. Also, he won’t play Legos with us after, so he sucks.”
We have reached out to Seymour’s parents for comment, but they are tied up on a month-long swingers cruise.
