Step aside Britney! The alpha mama of Big Cat Rescue—and almost certain murderer of HETEROSEXUAL millionaire Don Lewis—is perfectly perched to pounce and snag the gay icon tiara for herself.
We are, of course, talking about Carole Baskin. And camp culture experts tabulated everything the animal-print-caftan-wearing narcissist has been GIVING to us and found that she is a mere public meltdown away from being right up there with Real Housewife Countess Luann. “Even Ryan Murphy couldn’t wet dream this stuff up,” explained Gay Iconographer Frederick Lamb. “Baskin is an exquisite liger-like blend of OJ Simpson crossed with Marianne Williamson.”
Baskins has already risen the brunch-tongue-wagging ranks of quarantine-defying trash gays everywhere, a promising sign. “The lady from the Netflix show? Yeah I’d watch her yank one of those free volunteers by the pony tail!” said a Ft. Lauderdale bruncher who requested to remain anonymous because he knew that he shouldn’t be out right now but “missed The Yas Gawd Squad too much.”
Cool cats and kittens and gossip hounds alike await the right tiger tantrum to declare this docu-series star “THAT bitch Carole Baskin!”
“Just imagine looping the bystander video on TikTok until your bones turn to dust,” gagged Paley Center for Media researcher Culkin Potts. “Fags will undoubtedly turn it into a tasteless dance remix,” said Peabody Award Panelist Merv Clarence. “And I am here for it,” he added while clapping between each word for emphasis.
As certain as Carole Baskin will be taking a whimsical bike ride around the grounds of her big cat prison camp this afternoon, TMZ will be creaming their jeans when the floral-crown-wearing homicidal philanthropist inevitably snaps.
