BETHLEHEM— A researcher at the Vatican Library has discovered a lost text written by God and Joseph revealing that not only were they in a romantic relationship during the birth of Christ, but that the immaculate conception was the result of a surrogacy agreement between the couple and the virgin Mary.
“It turns out that Mary and Joseph were just best friends who signed a marriage pact,” researcher Pauline Russo noted. “All of their children were actually conceived through surrogacy, but they never knew who the biological father was. God and Joseph just made a cocktail with each of their seed and let Mary’s magic womb do the rest.”
The news sent shockwaves through the Holy See where Pope Francis could be seen punching walls and yelling obscenities at The Vatican palace. He did not respond to our requests for comment.
However, gay surrogate parents around the world are rejoicing at the progress this revelation could bring.
“You can only imagine how smug I’m about to be around my Christian friends,” remarked Zachary Benito. “Their Lord is gay, and their savior was conceived through the same means as my children. How do you feel about my ‘lifestyle choices’ now?”
There was also a collective sigh of relief let out by LGBTQ+ Christians and optimism that real change is on the horizon.
“This is a huge deal for our community and our struggle to feel normal in our place of worship,” Omar Rambosi said while holding his 6-month-old. “I can’t wait to walk into the sanctuary on Sunday and blow kisses at all the elders who tried to get us kicked out when we joined.”
The Family Equality Council called the finding a substantial win in the fight for LGBTQ+ families and added that if there was ever a time to be petty it’s now.
Though God couldn’t officially be reached for comment, a double rainbow was seen lighting the sky this morning despite the fact that we’ve had no rainfall in a week. Meteorologists are calling it the immaculate reflection.
