MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—New startup, Gold Star Flix, celebrated the launch of their self-titled app to fanfare from moviegoers sick and tired of having to sit through another scene with heterosexuality shoved down their throats. The app’s function is simple—it tells users the best times to pee during the boring, heterosexual moments of movies.
App founders, Howard Mo and Yanna Lingus, were inspired after a screening of “The Lion King” left them wishing they’d seen approximately 62% less of the film.
“All I needed were the Beyoncé parts. I could have checked my tweets in the comfort of the bathroom stall and be spared from a neutered CGI performance of ‘Be Prepared,’” said Lingus.
However, some initial users aren’t so sure of the app’s judgement.
“I don’t think these people can agree on what’s exactly hetero. I was told to leave during the entirety of “Hobbs & Shaw,” but The Rock and a bunch of other shirtless dudes getting sweaty is a gay old time,” declared a two-star review by EatThePeach.
Another review expressed dismay over being told to miss Tom Holland and Zendaya flirt in the latest Spider-Man.
“Anyone who doesn’t see that Tom Holland is the first lesbian Spider-Man is a cop,” wrote trixie81785. “And it’s Zendaya. I mean, come on!”
Mo and Lingus are unphased. In a joint statement they said, “Heterosexuality is a curse with many faces. Cinema was made by the queers for the queers and we’re committed to preserving its integrity even with drastic precautions.”
Surprisingly, some parents groups have come out in support of the app, saying it effectively makes any movie child and Christian appropriate.
A spokesperson for the Family Research Council said, “We’re with the homos on this one. This app will tell me to cover my toddler’s eyes when the Joker has pre-marital sex in ‘Joker’,” said a parent blissfully unaware of the fact that that never happens.
Gold Star Flix actually issued its very first “Cruise the Stalls” warning for the film.
“I’d rather go to the bathroom and suck five consecutive dicks under a stall than watch Joaquin Phoenix convulse sans rhythm and so should you,” warned Mo.
Gold Star Flix is currently only available for iPhones because all other phones are for the straights.
