PORTLAND, OR— As queer fashion enters the mainstream more and more, it has become harder than ever to detect other queers in public. However, that’s not a problem for local lesbian, Laura Flemmings, whose impeccable gaydar successfully identifies any queers within eyesight using a complex assessment of haircuts.
We sat down with Laura at a local sustainable cat cafe, and she immediately demonstrated her special skill. Laura pointed to someone with a Bieber-esque haircut—“definitely gay, but somehow still respects Ellen.” A quick check of Tinder confirmed Laura’s suspicion.
When I questioned the purpose of Laura’s skills, she explained: “It lets me know who I can flirt with!” Laura, however, did not seem to approach any of the queers she identified, but instead opted to wistfully glance at them from across the cat cafe.
When someone with long flowing hair and an Indigo Girls t-shirt entered, Laura whispered, “Look you might be surprised—but not gay! Maybe a queer experience at a women’s college, but they definitely don’t talk anymore.”
Next, someone with an undercut came in and ordered an oat milk latte; Laura easily identified this person as “a dyke, but still closeted at work because they believe sexuality should be a private affair.”
Another patron was confounding for Laura, who admitted: “TERF bangs can go either way, so there’s really not anyway to know. They could either be married to a cop or opening an organic pet spa with their ex-girlfriend.”
Finally, I asked Laura her thoughts on the cafe’s barista, a long-hair. She was quick to retort, “gay, she always gives me the best turmeric scone in the pastry case!” Results are still out on the barista, as Laura’s fantasy of flirting with a hot barista may have biased her gaydar.
