CHICAGO, IL— On Thursday, 58-year-old lesbian Kath Shelley used so much hair gel that her hair turned rock solid and now she can open beers with it.
“It’s the party trick of the century,” said Shelley. “It’s also great because now I don’t need to wear a helmet when I ride my motorcycle.”
According to Shelley’s partner Anna Yoggins, Shelley has had this goal in mind for a very long time. At age 30, Shelley made a vision board with pictures of rock solid mullets covered in little beer bottle tops. She would stand beneath the board each night and practice: gelling… then trying to crack a beer open… gelling… adding hairspray… then trying again. Finally, at the age of 58, she popped the top off.
“Kath came into the bedroom screaming,” said Yoggins. “I was so proud of her. And thankful that she did it so we could finally get back to our movie nights.”
Yoggins isn’t the only one who’s excited about Shelley. Managers from all twelve remaining U.S. lesbian bars have reached out and asked if she wants to bartend at their locations. Nanette Flanger, owner of The Girl Hole, said that she would personally chauffeur Shelley to the venue.
While Shelley wants to help lesbian bars stay afloat, she has turned down the kind offers, emphasizing that she opens beers with her hair for pleasure, not money. She retired from a grueling banking job years ago and does not intend to work ever again—even in a fun sapphic bar setting.
While lesbians around the world are thrilled for Shelley, close friends of Shelley and Yoggins have expressed concern about the sharp hair, especially in a bedroom setting.
“I still don’t really know how lesbians have sex,” says their gym buddy Tim Westwood. “But what happens when like…that sharp mullet gets near a crotch or an eye?”
Yoggins assures everyone that they have nothing to worry about. Like most couples, she and Shelley use protection. They canoodle and sleep in woodworking gloves, welding masks, and those thick lead bibs they make you wear when you get X-rays at the dentist.
“At the end of the day it’s totally worth it,” says Yoggins. “I’m married to the first ever person to open beers with their gelled hair. Not everyone can say that!”
And it’s true. No man has ever achieved what Shelley has done. Bros around the world have taken to the internet, congratulating Shelley on her “lit lesbian flex” and “feminist win” of an accomplishment. A dozen or so have posted videos of attempts where they come close, but are unable to finish the deed. As of right now, Shelley reigns supreme.
