In quarantine, we’re all cooped up and cooking more than ever. That’s why we whipped up these five recipes you already know, because you’re gay. Straights might be googling “how to cook chicken” for the first time in their lives, but here are a few delicious meals that take next-level know-how. We know they’re already in your gay wheelhouse, even though you can’t quite remember when you knew for sure that you could make these delectable dishes.
1. Fettuccine Alfredo
This is a popular basic that you already know how to make, because you are gay. While all your straight friends have to do to be liked is be tall and smile, it’s expected that you’ll bring an array of interesting skills and traits to the table… just like this rich, creamy meal that pairs well with a full-bodied chardonnay. Wine knowledge, another must!
2. Grandma’s Rosemary Pork Chops
The secret to this one is a high-temp pan-sear before it goes in the oven, but you already know that, as you are homosexual. When all the other cousins were out playing in the yard, Grandma taught you this one, because she knew you were…different. She might never have admitted it out loud, but now you have a fantastic dish for dinner dates!
3. Beef Stew
First, brown your meat in a thick layer of oil. Once browned on both sides, remove the beef and sauté your onions in that same oil. Of course you know the rest of the steps by heart, kween! It gives you the same warm feeling as the secret handshake with your best friend from summer camp, who was definitely more than a friend. This is your go-to stew for when you get sick and need to be your own nurse, since you haven’t let anyone get close to you since!
4. Baby Back Ribs
A comfort food favorite. The important part here is getting the correct cut of meat. You’ll know which ribs to select because you are “A Gay,” as the butcher says. If you don’t have a grill, use a low-and-slow approach in the oven. We recommend a meat thermometer, which you don’t have because your dad keeps telling you to get one and you resent advice from him. But you’ve had enough nights in, alienated by straight and gay culture alike, to know when these bad boys are ready.
5. Veggie Tacos
Hey, if you didn’t know a vegan recipe, would you even really be a Friend of Dorothy? You know this one because Scott screamed at you last time you two threw an apartment potluck and there was nothing for Jerome to eat. Thanks to your squad, you know how to make gourmet snacks without meat, gluten, dairy, eggs, honey, or vinegar. Jerome hates vinegar. For these low-cal tacos, take your corn tortillas, fill with cilantro, spritz with lime and you’re done!
There you have it! Five recipes you already knew, because you’re gay. We know they’re useless to you, but feel free to forward to your straight cousin Phil. He doesn’t even know how to make pasta.
