In a press conference yesterday, South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham shared a striking revelation: “God visited me in a dream and told me that as punishment for the homosexuals’ sins, He will torture them mercilessly with virtual Pride celebrations held over Zoom throughout the entire summer.”
Soon, Graham promised, gays everywhere would be doubled over in agony, while many American mayors thanked them for their cultural contributions via glitchy video chats and rainbow green-screen backgrounds. God allegedly told the Senator that punishment would rain down on the heads of the gays with the enthusiastic support of their allies, who would personally email every gay they knew with a Zoom meeting ID and password, to make sure everyone felt included in God’s wrath.
Senator Graham gleefully assured his South Carolinian constituents that nothing could prepare the gays for the power of God’s savage retribution against their depraved lifestyle, sent in the form of a virtual “Queerness in the Digital Age” panel hosted remotely by Ellen DeGeneres, Lil’ Nas X, and Elton John. He strongly encouraged his constituents to tune in to virtual Pride events and witness the roasting of the sinful homosexuals. “You will be protected from God’s wrath,” Graham explained to them. “For as He whispered in my ear, ‘Only the gays can tell when Arianna Grande is being autotuned.’”
