Gay White Man Has Confidence Of Straight White Man

BOSTON, MA— In what is being described as a shocking turn of events, local gay white man Alex Hubbard reportedly has the confidence of a straight white man, according to his closest acquaintances.

 

“It’s so weird,” said Amber Tate, a colleague of Hubbard at McNally Research where the two work as account executives. “He’s always giving me unsolicited advice and telling me what to do, even though we have the same job title. It’s like he’s a straight white guy, but he’s… gay?”

 

Other colleagues reported similar experiences with Hubbard, who lists his job title as “Writer, Storyteller” on LinkedIn even though he’s worked in sales since he graduated college two years ago.

 

They were hiring a new SVP of Product Development, and he applied for the job,” said Allison Beekman, Hubbard’s supervisor. “I’ve been working here for three years longer than him and it didn’t even occur to me to apply but, damn, he just went for it. What I would give to have the confidence of a straight white man.”

 

“Wait, shit, he’s gay,” added Beekman. “I keep forgetting.”

 

But the striking self-assurance displayed by the 25-year-old white man isn’t limited to his place of work, according to one friend. “Last week he told me that it was impossible to be well-informed about politics and not be a Libertarian,” said Hubbard’s friend Megan Flores, who still hangs out with this guy for some reason. “But when I brought up the concept of rugged individualism, he didn’t know what that was.”

 

“It’s almost as if him being a white man has mattered more than him being gay in terms of how he’s formed an identity and the way he’s treated by the world,” continued Flores. “No, that can’t be it. It must be something else.”

 

In addition to politics, this fucker is apparently an expert on topics such as personal finance, craft beer, Keynesian economics, directors of world cinema, the collapse of the housing market, cryptocurrency, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, most sports, the healthcare industry, and feminism.

 

But it’s not all roses for this confident straight—shoot, I mean gay—white man. Hubbard is quick to point out that he’s struggled as a member of the LGBTQ community. “I didn’t have my first real kiss until I was 19,” said Hubbard. “And growing up, there were never TV shows about people who looked and loved like me—besides Will & Grace, Glee, Modern Family, Queer as Folk, the other Queer as Folk, and Looking.”

 

“I, too, am a victim,” he finished, while speaking on a panel on Corporate Responsibility in the Era of Automation. Like… what?

 

Hubbard was last seen grabbing the speakers at a friend’s party, adding that he had “the perfect playlist for this.”

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