Help! I started my new job in human resources a few months ago, and have only met my boss Miranda a few times. This is not the kind of relationship I like to have with the people that I allow into the dark, gay depths of my Twitter account! Help!
Look, there aren’t a lot of real-life places where I have the chance to discuss or joke about my sex life as a queer lady, since straight people are always there to judge or ask ignorant questions. I refuse to give up the toxic queer space that is Twitter Dot Com, even if it costs me my job.
Alas, you can find my Twitter by just searching my name, which is on me, I know. As unbelievable as this is, my boss just went right ahead and clicked that “follow” button. I immediately pretended I was her and stalked myself—it didn’t look great. But Twitter is one of the only places I feel comfortable talking about my personal life—even though it’s not really a “space” at all. It’s a free, public website.
Just last week, I saw this hilarious Jill Gutowitz tweet about how lesbians are chill with period sex, and it was accompanied by a picture of the Buffy cast covered in blood. I laughed out loud and almost clicked “retweet” without thinking. I took a step back, watched my own finger graze the “like” button and, knowing full-well Miranda can see my likes, pressed that sweet little red heart. Plus, the Twitter lesbians need to know I get their jokes. I saw a tweet that said “all lesbians want is to be topped by any Sarah Paulson character in a period drama,” and well, that is what I want! How could I not retweet?! Help! Please!
Ever since that recent Supreme Court ruling protects LGBTQ+ people from being fired on the basis of sexual orientation, I no longer have to fear that the queerness of my tweets will be cause for termination from my job, but the ruling doesn’t protect me from embarrassment and shame. Heelllp!
Sometimes, to really ruin my professional reputation, I write my own explicit gay tweets. A while ago, I tweeted the painful yet hilarious story of dating a girl with acrylic nails, and by the time I remembered that my boss was following me, the tweet already had 13 likes and a retweet, so I obviously couldn’t take it down!! I need help.
You might be wondering, why don’t I just block my boss? It’s simple: she is my 500th follower! I couldn’t go back to 499 after seeing that glorious new milestone! Well, maybe she’s not paying attention, you may think. But every once and awhile, I tweet something G-rated, and there’s Miranda, tapping away on the likes. She must see the dirty ones then too, right?! Help! My life is a nightmare!
One time, Miranda ran into me in the break room and asked me to explain one of my tweets, and before I knew it I was panic-explaining to my boss why the best Bette and Tina sex scene is a tie between the one in the pilot and, of course, the one in the elevator. She doesn’t even have Showtime! Yikes! Help!