Old White Men, Stop Punishing Society And Punish Me, Your Son’s Best Friend

WASHINGTON, D.C—Society is on the brink of collapse and there is, ultimately, one cause: old white men. Yes Mr. Henry, I’m listening while me and Thomas play Fortnite. I know you think other people share blame, but the fact is that all branches of government and many cultural institutions are dominated by old white men making decisions that punish women, minorities, and society as a whole.

And to this I say: why inflict this hatred upon others when my ripe little bottom needs a good spanking?

For so long I have watched as you support congressmen who stalk women’s reproductive rights like hyenas, yet here I am before you, meat. Do you want to restrict another person’s autonomy? I mailed you the key to my chastity cage weeks ago. It’s heartbreaking hearing that you want even more women taken to court when I am literally begging you to debate my personhood.

I hear you on the sidelines at our soccer games. Me, sweaty, fresh, breathless. You, denying clear scientific evidence of climate change. Why choke society with poor air quality when you’ve got two hands and I’ve got one throat? You want to let global temperatures rise to unlivable conditions, yet I have literally locked myself in your sauna. Sign the Paris Accords. If you need to keep polluting, I’ve got a chest and I’ll write “TOILET” on my forehead.

I don’t even like your son, he’s constantly asking me to top and that’s not what god made me for, sir.

Mr. Henry, please, instead of designing a gerrymander to subtly limit voting rights, limit MY rights. Pick a word I’m not allowed to say. Don’t tell me what it is. If I say it you can lock me naked in your shed. Don’t detain people at the border, detain me at the Borders they still haven’t torn down off of Route 1. Instead of rolling back protections on LGBT employment law, roll back your protection and raw me.

It’s my first amendment right to say that, and if you don’t like that, please introduce legislation to make me illegal. Please, zaddy?

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