So your grandmother won’t stop praying for you to turn straight, no matter how many times you remind her that it is gene-encoded. But since she spends most of her waking hours praying for you anyway, wouldn’t it be gnarly if some of that Jesus magic could be redirected towards the several bulbous zits that are threatening to ruin your upcoming trip to Deer Island Beach?
What with praying for you to be straight and for flood victims worldwide, she’s a busy lady. Get her to pick up your cause using THESE 5 tactics:
1. Get Practical About It
Say that you’re touched she keeps mailing you phone books with the numbers of area bachelorettes highlighted, but that you haven’t had time to make any calls because every time you catch sight of your acne you break down weeping, leaving you too drained to try out heterosexuality. This may seem like leading her on, but think of it instead as showing her that your goals are aligned and that it is her Righteous Duty to pray away your acne!
2. Invoke The Great Hetero Role Models
Great Uncle Phillip in his Korean War uniform, George Washington thigh deep in the Delaware River, and Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine driving a pickup truck? What do these irreproachable beacons of masculinity have in common? That’s right, no acne! She will not be able to deny this logic, even with her sneaky grandma brain.
3. Say It With A Fruit Basket
The message, “Please stop meddling in my love life, you regressive crone, and instead use your backwoods Jesus magic to cure my acne??” can come across as harsh. However, if you say this using a cheerful assortment of tropical fruits, domestic grains, and benign palm fronds, she might take it a lot better. Bonus: Spell out “gay is okay” in pineapple chunks for added subliminal messaging.
4. Use Threats
Say you will sulk at Christmas. Say you will post more of those sad faced pictures on The Facebook that she hates. Say that next time the Devil strikes through email, you will not forward on the soul-saving chain mail. Say whatever you have to say to get those hands clasped against your acne.
Say “Please, please, Grandma, I know we have different values, but we are still family. And even though I say condescending things about you on Instagram, I know that your prayers are weirdly kind of powerful. I absolutely will not make it into the Deer Island Beach Junior Lifeguards Calendar 2020 if I have acne, and if you and I agree on anything it’s that calendars are important. Thank you kindly in advance for funneling the Lord’s power against my zits xoxo.”
Grandmas sure are tricky. But try your best to get her on board, and if none of this works (it probably won’t), you can also try Kleerasil: Cute Boy Edition – 25% off with promo code: ZitsAWFyas.