5,000 Catholic Priests Dropped In At The Comedy Cellar Last Night

NEW YORK, NY— Last night many patrons of the West Village’s famous Comedy Cellar were left wishing more men of the cloth took vows of silence as all of the roughly 5,000 Catholic Priests accused of sexual abuse throughout the world dropped in to perform a surprise set. It was a bold move that left many wondering: was it too soon?


What started out as a pretty standard night of delightful homophobia and sexism took an unfortunate turn when the venue’s host announced the priests would be performing. Some clapped, while other were shocked. They took to the stage around 11 PM wearing their classic black shirts, white collars and dousing the crowd with cleansing holy water from an aspergillum.


According to one eyewitness, the priests avoided bringing up the elephant in the room, but instead riffed on their standard topics of “sin, giving things up for lent, and raising two daughters in New York City.” 


The Catholic Church has been in hot water recently (two decades) for covering up sexual abuse against minors and protecting the predatory priests who committed the acts. This scandal led many of the priests in question to step away from the spotlight and, according to them, “take time to listen.”


The owner of the cellar, Noam Dworman, told our reporter that he felt torn about the situation and his responsibility as a comedy club owner:


“I understand that some people will be upset with me. I want my customers to have a good time. Every complaint goes through me like a knife. But at the end of the day, I actually don’t care and am bad.”


Other comedians have also weighed in on the topic: 


Times have changed significantly in just the past two years. Where 5 years ago you may have been able to get away with having zero repercussions for rape, now people are starting to question that. 


Some walked out. Many booed. Still others were more conflicted. “I used to be a fan” said one cellar audience member last night. “Had this ocean of child molesters simply waited a full calendar year for the drama to settle, they would have undoubtedly been welcomed back with open arms. It was really just a timing thing for me.”


After the priests left, Louis CK took the stage to raucous applause.

News, Out & Proud, Serious, Thriving