The best part of socializing exclusively through Zoom? Only having to fixate on how imperfect you look from the areolas up! That’s why we’re obsessed with yoga poses that focus only on strengthening the upper, upper body. From upward dog to chaturanga dandasuna, these are the only five poses you’ll need to look sexy AF at your next Zoom gathering.
Upward Dog
Dying for some Obsession-era Kate Moss arms, but can’t afford for the copious amounts of cocaine? Try doing an arm lengthening pose like upward dog! Repeat 3 to 47 times daily, and you’ll get the waif-y upper body of a teenage model just in time for that virtual high school reunion you agreed to attend for some masochistic reason.
Downward Dog
Ever want to both look like Channing Tatum but also hook up with someone who looks like Channing Tatum? You definitely need an arm builder like downward dog. Do this one repeatedly until you start to taste blood, and in a few days you’ll be confident enough to wear a tank top to that Zoom pool party Jason from spin class invited you too.
Camel Pose
Want a slender neck like Natalie Portman’s in Black Swan, but don’t have the patience for her strict, Oscar-worthy diet? Work a stretch like camel pose into your practice! Hold until you feel like you’re about to pass out, and you’ll get that gaunt ballerina look just in time for the Zoom happy hour you planned with your friends who work in fashion.
Side Plank
Jealous of the Hadid sisters’ overly pronounced clavicles and perfect right-angled shoulders? You need an upper body strengthening pose like side plank, STAT. Hold this one for at least 3 hours (or until your nose starts bleeding), and you’ll look like an orthorexic goddess at the virtual orgy you RSVP’d to when you were drunk the other night!
Chaturanga Dandasana
Want Drake’s biceps without going to the gym six times a day, or ever? You need an arm builder like chataranga dandasana in your life! Repeat until you loose consciousness and wake up in a hospital three days later, and you’ll look like the Canadian rapper just in time for that Zoom pride party I invited you to—I know, I’m sorry, we seriously need help!
Try these poses today to look brutally flawless for your next big virtual event. And if you don’t, no worries! Just turn off the lights and hit mute so no one can hear you sobbing.
