For sports fans, football is as synonymous with the fall season as the leaves changing, pumpkin spice lattes, and the sound of children playing Smear The Queer in the school yard on the first day back from summer break.
Us die-hards can never get enough of it and any day that passes without a game feels hollow and wasted. That’s why we came up with a list of content that has all the action, drama, and engrained homophobia we know and love about football that you can watch while waiting for your next fix of the best damn sport on the planet.
ESPN Classic
The most obvious answer. If you’re craving a dose of football, look no further than the channel dedicated to reruns of the sport’s classic games. As a bonus, you get to enjoy the game before all of those pansy rules were implemented to stop players from yelling gay slurs or giving each other brain damage. Sign us the hell up!
Your Dad Driving On The Highway When He Gets Cut Off In Traffic
Like the best football coaches, Dad is a loving, stoic figure who doesn’t show his emotions very often. He’s also a loose cannon who doesn’t pay attention to the road and will inevitably get cut off in traffic.
When that happens, you’ll hear all of his opinions on road etiquette and what makes a bad bumper sticker. Also you’ll hear about that goddamn cock sucking, fist fucking, shit-for-brains driver who’s been riding his fucking ass for a mile now as he goes on a tirade on the level of a college football coach during a press conference.
The Bios Of The Guys On Grindr
Chill! Chill! Chill! I know how this sounds, but go with me on this. Football is a vicious, bloodthirsty, dog-eat-dog sport that spits out the weak and eats the emotionally stunted for breakfast. Men on Grindr treat gay sex the exact same way.
After five minutes of being flooded with “No Fats/No Femmes/Whites Only,” you’ll be fully enthralled as you witness gay bashing you haven’t seen since you were scrolling through your favorite draft prospect’s Twitter feed. Think of the dick pics as those fleeting moments of peen you see when you’re slapping butts with your buds in the locker room.
Friends
What does this beloved 90s sitcom have to do with football? Plenty! They both pull in big ratings and the liberal media says that they haven’t aged well. With story lines like “Chandler is upset that his Dad is gay” and quips like “So how goes the dancing? Gay yet?” you won’t even realize it’s Wednesday.
Supreme Court Hearings
I know what you’re thinking: “Why would I want to watch a bunch of nerds jerk off to the Constitution?” That’s fair, but did you know that SCOTUS justices prepare for oral arguments just like football players?
It’s true! They hold practices, watch tape on their opponents, and call each other fairies if they catch one of the other justices looking at them in the communal showers. Now are you interested?
The Subway Preacher
This one is tough to find, but totally worth it. Like famed football announcer Thom Brennaman, the subway preacher is an institution. Also like Thom Brennaman, they tend to make off color remarks that would get any regular person fired from their job.
So, if you’re missing that added flare of an omnipotent drunk uncle doing color commentary on your every move, hop on an A train in New York City and ride it all the way to Title Town.
There you have it! Six bonafide ways to get your fix on off days this fall. So put on your jersey, crack open a beer, and forget that the last 50 years of societal progress ever happened. Happy watching!
