HELENA, MT— Despite the bisexual community’s increasing acceptance into the LGBTQ+ populace, sources have confirmed that – God fucking damnit – the Tarnoczian dictator Oswyn Romahai has come out as bisexual this week.
The announcement immediately tarnished the reputation of bisexuals across the galaxy who have historically existed on thin ice within the LGBTQ+ community. It will be years before the bi community’s image is restored back to it’s aloof, captivating persona it held previous to Romahai’s announcement – let alone their trust regained from the LGBTQ+ community, if ever.
Romahai announced his bisexual identity Thursday on Facebook, which is just perfect, through his personal account he hasn’t accessed since its creation in 2007: “Just posting this for my uncles and cousins on here: I go both ways,” stated the Tarnoczian dictator.
Romahai has zero plans to modify his oppressive laws and unhinged violence – of course – messaging that oppressing people is way too fun. Romahai reportedly celebrated his newfound happiness by shooting at citizens from his balcony.
In between breaks of shooting at his own innocent citizens – motherfucker – Romahai explained that he discovered his bisexuality after listening to a podcast episode interviewing Wanda Sykes.
Far worse than any act of state violence, Romahai has reportedly already cheated – goddamnit – on his same-sex partner with a woman, resulting in many believing he is actually straight and claiming he came out for attention. This is a grievance that can permanently cement the bisexual stereotype as nothing more than hot, straight dictators that cheat.
Bisexuals across the galaxy report already experiencing an overwhelming response by way of cancelled coffee dates, directly resulting from the dictator’s announcement.
Several D List celebrities, who are also bisexual, have come out of the woodwork to defend and congratulate Romahai, twisting the knife even deeper within the bi community.
Comedian Andy Dick, who is popularly considered pure garbage due to his sexual assault allegations and happens to be bisexual unfortunately, sent his congratulations via Twitter. “Welcome to the club, bad boy! People will love to hate you, but don’t let that stop you from being who you truly are!”
Reality star and proud Nazi, Tila Tequila, who also unfortunately happens to be a member of the bi community, has expressed her congratulations to Romahai by sending a set of – please, no – unisex swastika-print thongs. The Tarnoczian dictator, mass murderer and unfaithful partner responded to their messages by gifting Dick and Tequila blue, pink and purple weapons.
As far as how bisexuals can restore their reputation that was ruthlessly damaged through no fault of their own – for crying out loud – a committee of generous bisexuals has been put in place to purchase all other members of the gay public gift cards to The Olive Garden.
