You scope out a cutie across the bar, and head over to make a move. But as you start chatting, you can’t help but hesitate a little… Your sexy stranger seems a little different than other guys. Have you been flirting with another gay man (bo-ring), or is this—gasp!—an intergalactic being who has traveled far and wide across the vast universe, thus unfamiliar with our planet’s customs and courting rituals?
Or, the dreaded third option: they’re straight and you’re not hooking up with anyone, human or otherwise. Take this quiz to find out! Follow along and be sure to mark how many of each you get.
1. Alright, so you strike up the courage to start a conversation. You start talking about your hometowns, and your potential hot date says…
A) They were raised in the ~*theatre*~
B) Somewhere… Not here. Far! And yet close. Across gal—umm… gallerias. Malls! Yes. Human malls. They are from the mall, just like you. Ha ha!
C) Fratsfield, Connecticut.
2. You detect an accent in your would-be paramour! Is it:
A) An indecipherable blend of soft melodies and sudden tonal shifts that sift through your mind like a fog of beautiful music… difficult to describe, but impossible to ignore. None of it feels like real words but somehow you understand each other, like you’ve been close friends your whole life?
B) Mid-Atlantic…? Like a really bad imitation of Katharine Hepburn, as though they learned the language by watching her films, but filtered through multiple layers of static and interrupted by another movie overlapping at the same time.
C) Wait… That’s not an accent, he’s just drunk. Like, really drunk. He’s trying to get the attention of the “hot babe” behind you… It’s a broom.
3. Let’s talk legs! What best describes your crush’s gams:
A) Recently shaven, and very shapely—maybe they do drag?
B) Wait hold on are there three legs? Not innuendo, like, three actual legs… They are also hairless, but glowing blue as though lit from inside by some unknown aura..?
C) Pretty hairy, and on their left calf there’s a tattoo of Garfield peeing on a Steelers logo…
4. Okay, final question: your chat seems to be going well, so you offer to buy your companion a drink. How do they respond?
A) Accept, and ask for a Fuck Me Sideways on the Beach While Britney Spears Blares From a Nearby Portable Speaker
B) Accept, and ask for three cubes of sugar dissolved in a cup of battery acid, with a sprig of parsley. Then they… wink… from their nose.
C) Decline, saying they don’t accept drinks from other men, unless it’s a hydration emergency like they’re trapped on a desert island with another dude (which is kinda gay, but whatever), but then the other guy was smart and brought some Gatorade with him (ideally the electric blue flavor, which is the best)
So, what did you get? Time to tally up your responses!
Mostly As: Well, he’s gay—no surprise there. That’s nice? I guess maybe you can hook up in the designated sex bathroom (you know the one).
Mostly Bs: Ooh hell yeah, your would-be lover is a little green Martian for sure! Be honest, this is the result you were hoping for. Who cares if you’re literally from different planets—What do we know about alien gender and sexuality anyway? Whatever conception of coupling exists on their homeworld, it really seems like Garflax II from the Orion Nebula is into you, honestly. Don’t be shy, show your galactic beau some of that homo sapien hospitality (; You can thank us later!
Mostly Cs: Damn, sorry to make you come crashing down to Earth. Also an alien, actually, just an aggressively straight one. Better luck next time!
