SCRANTON, PA—A melancholy and dramatic young boy in suburban Pennsylvania willed a glamorous Hollywood starlet into being through the sheer power of his imagination. Reports state that Crimson Darling spontaneously burst into being as a celebrated actress and coquette the moment Timothy Reiff, 6, pressed his cheek against the window of his playroom.
Not much is known about the universally beloved Crimson Darling’s career. She starred in a few small yet elaborate Lifetime Original romance-horror musicals, but is more famously known for her early femme fatale style, a cabal of wealthy lovers, and her crippling apple juice dependency.
As Reiff was being teased in the neighborhood cul-de-sac for wearing his brother’s overly large hand me downs, Crimson suddenly appeared, descending a marble staircase that somehow appeared and attached to no building.
“She just appeared out of nowhere! Classic Crimson, always making an entrance,” exclaimed a beautiful man, one of hundreds who soon flocked to the cul-de-sac, drawn by her presence.
Records show Crimson took off her fur coat and used it to dry Reiff`s tears, revealing her ensemble of a fur dress paired with fur heels and fur earrings for a pop of color. She discarded her coat, claiming to prefer the simple elegance of Reiff’s Spongebob t-shirt.
“You brutes!” Crimson cried at the bullies, adding “you’ll never play in this town again.” The two then strode off without a glance at the beautiful men and young bullies, who all promptly died in shame.
“They climbed to the top of the marble stairs going nowhere and kept calling it a balcony,” explained Reiff’s mother, Jan, who had come to call Reiff for his nap. With Reiff showing signs of a temper tantrum, Crimson declared that there would be “a temper tantrum Grand Ball!” Invitations were issued and soon the cul-de-sac was filled with both glamorous Hollywood types and children from Reiff’s school (except for those who had died from shame).
Crimson and Reiff then performed a stirring, whimsical musical number titled “It’s Not Fair!” which featured a lively foxtrot, billowing curtains in jewel tones, sand dunes, and scream-crying. The enraptured audience requested fifty-five encore numbers.
Reiff’s mother, unable to relish the artistry, ordered the child into a timeout. Reiff currently remains facing the corner in the dining room, now in a self-imposed exile to “show them.” As for the world’s favorite starlet, Crimson Darling has retired from public life to hole up with Reiff, wedged in the dining room corner in solidarity, practicing her signature box step.
Many suspect they have fallen back into the grip of apple juice, working their way through a vast cran-apple supply and brushing their own hair while staring into a Barbie hand mirror.
