DENVER, CO— Sources report that AP English teacher Annie Branch has really been laying into all the Christ-like imagery in “The Great Gatsby” while conveniently staying far, far away from all that gay stuff.
“Nick doesn’t like Jordan because she’s shallow,” lectured Ms. Branch, not going anywhere near the idea that Nick doesn’t like Jordan because he likes Gatsby. “Simple as that.”
Students in the class report that they’ve spent the last two class periods talking about the use of the color green in the novel and absolutely no time talking about how gay it is.
“Clearly, Gatsby symbolizes the American Dream and Nick wants that,” Ms. Branch reportedly told the class, giving a million other reasons as to why this guy is so infatuated with his neighbor. “Do we all get that? A guy obsessed with another guy because of the American Dream. Tale as old as time.”
When a student proposed that Nick might have a crush on Gatsby, Ms. Branch quickly changed the subject to how West Egg and East Egg are supposed to be Long Island.
“Well it’s all very speculative and I don’t want to teach anything that’s purely based on speculation,” Ms. Branch nervously explained after being asked directly why she hasn’t taught on the queer reading of the novel. “I’d rather talk more about the straight people drinking, the straight people cheating on their spouses, and the straight people callously murdering each other.”
“If students want more of the flamboyant stuff, they can just watch the Baz Luhrmann movie,” she added.