BETHLEHEM— A researcher at the Vatican Library has discovered a lost text written by God
Alex Colman, a current resident of Astoria, NY and hillbilly by descent, reminisces: “I’m really going to miss having my mom’s mechanic spit in my mouth by the dumpster behind the bank this Christmas.” It had become one of Colman’s favorite holiday traditions–right up there with Grandma’s pumpkin rolls.
As dawn broke on Thursday morning, Amelia Buckley’s ass got railed by a Tinder match. And for eight miraculous nights afterward, her hole burned. “My partner had just broken up with me,” explained the still aching 24-year-old. “It was a total rebound. We got back to her place and… let’s just say we rededicated the temple.”
When Emily Hampton agreed to carpool back to her hometown for the holidays with roommate Alex Tucke, she had no idea they would spend the trip listening to the saddest ten-hour playlist ever committed to mp3.
This year has been an especially lonely one and it’s felt even more during the holidays. Some are missing physical touch and longing for the warm embrace of a loved one, while others just want an 8-foot tall goat-horned Christmas demon to plow them into yesteryear.