This Pride month, New York will make like a financially stable, comfortably out of the closet queer and host WorldPride. Three million queers and queer-adjacent allies (but honestly, it’s mostly allies) will be descending on the city like glittery locusts for wild parties and events you can’t experience anywhere or anytime else.
Why waste your time figuring out what to do? Awf’s got you covered with these five gag-worthy must-see attractions that may cost you an arm, a leg, and your secret stan account.
Guess Who’s Coming To Stonewall?! Brought To You By Gilead
Do you like surprises? This is the event for you. Hot off the glow of recent celebrity guests like Madonna, Taylor Swift, and Gropey Uncle Joe Biden, The Stonewall Inn is keeping their stage clear for anyone verified on Twitter to make an appearance. Catch your straight* problematic faves try to reclaim a hold on the queer community by doing more and more headline grabbing antics. Rumored guests include: Iggy Azalea embracing singing in her authentic Australian accent, Joss Whedon leading a human sacrifice to revive Sarah Michelle Gellar’s flailing career, and the original Broadway cast of Avenue Q on their felt hands and knees begging to stay relevant.
Cost: Your dignity and a thimble of Marsha P. Johnson’s ashes, which will be donated to GLAAD.
*to our knowledge
Netflix’s Armisted Maupin’s Literary Fantasia on National Themes
Book queers are going to DIE when they enter The Strand’s Rare Book Room and find themselves in a fucked on phonics paradise. Brought to you by Netflix and hosted by renowned gay author Armisted Maupin of Armisted Maupin’s Tales of the City series, you’ll be taken back to elementary school days as the space will be converted into a Scholastic book fair but GAY. Get your hands on adult-scented erasers like the cum-peach from Call Me By Your Name or hear a live reading from hologram James Baldwin who will go on tangents about living in Europe.
Cost: A signed first-edition copy of A Catcher in the Rye soaked in the blood of Oscar Wilde, which will be donated to The Trevor Project.
Bill de Blasio and Andrew Cuomo Present Snowpiercer Junipero
First off, fuck the MTA and everyone responsible for letting it sink to its deplorable conditions. But we’ll forgive them just this once since they’ve organized the queerest night underground to fix the subway’s financial woes. For one night and one night only, the queerest lines, the S, will feature refurbished decomissioned subway cars that will take you to San Junipero, the 80s queer paradise from Black Mirror. Each car is themed after a different locale just like Bong Joon-Ho’s Snowpiercer. Experience things like the sexual debauchery of The Quagmire in a car that once housed a pizza rat colony or the wholesome fun of Old Yorkie and Kelly’s hospice wedding in the runaway car from Spider-Man 2.
Cost: Your undying loyalty to poor public transit conditions and five of your paid sick days, which will be donated to the MTA.
Helipads and Broomsticks: An Uber, Viacom, and Disney Joint Production
Mary Poppins was for the straights. Real queers fucked with the Angela Lansbury vehicle, Bedknobs and Broomsticks. Uber wants to fuck with the queers, so they’re launching their helicopter service to JFK in style. From the Downtown Manhattan Heliport, climb aboard a choppa where the seats have been replaced with a four-poster queen bed and your pilot is none other than Miss Eglantine Price herself, Angela Lansbury. Fight fascism with your best friends and enchanted animatronic knight’s armor brought to you by the Disney Imagineers. Experience a true Miracle on the Hudson when your amphibian helicopter descends into the river to take you to a recreation of the Island of Naboombu’s underwater dance contest hosted by Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton ponytail.
Cost: Defeating RuPaul in a televised Murder, She Wrote trivia contest on VH1 and five white truffles, which will be donated to the Human Rights Campaign.
Being Inside Yoko Ono Sponsored By The Old Guard of the Gay Elite
Everyone’s favorite fifth Beatle has outdone herself this time. Her newest art exhibit at the Guggenheim is her body! Hop into a giant pill designed by Elon Musk and Peter Thiel that will shrink everything in it so Yoko can take you through her gastrointestinal tract. See what really goes on inside pop culture’s greatest enigma. What did she eat this time: A Hagrid Lego figure? A succulent? Björk’s Icelandic accent? And if that wasn’t enough, each admission also includes a champagne drag brunch hosted and catered by Ginger Minj as Ina Garten.
Cost: Your pledge to vote for Pete Buttigieg and only Pete Buttigieg in the 2020 election, official Democratic Party nominee be damned.
We’ve come a long way from Harvey Milk and Stonewall, honey. Look where we are now! Every corporation and celebrity wants to be part of the family, and with unforgettable experiences like these we have no option but to get on our hands and knees to praise Hollywood and Capitalism!