PATERSON, NJ— A man trying to flirt with two women he saw together at The Rub Down Bar is slowly starting to piece the scenario together, confirmed an amused bartender.
“It’s not that he’s a bad guy, he’s just oblivious to all body language, social cues, and obvious signs,” explained bartender Darla Mockingale, who watched Mikey Wilder, the man in question, approach the women and comment that they must be very good friends since they were holding hands.
“He saw our wedding rings and asked about our husbands,” said Jane Rubin, one of the victims of the man’s hapless seduction attempt. “When we said we didn’t have husbands, he was visibly stumped.”
Witnesses confirm that after several minutes of scribbling equations on a napkin, calling 311 for information, and re-enacting a wedding ceremony with salt and pepper shakers, the man came to the conclusion that the women were wearing fake wedding rings to ward off creeps.
“Good thing I’m not a creep, I’m a gentleman!” Wilder exclaimed, before ordering a round of drinks for the pair. The women accepted the drinks, claiming later that they felt obligated to still be friendly despite any modicum of interest out of a mixture of pity, kindness, and a fear of typical male violence.
When the women excused themselves to the bathroom, a drunk patron tried to speed up the discovery process by crying out “Dude, they’re lesbians!” Wilder reportedly took offense, saying “Just because they weren’t into you doesn’t mean you can call them that! What a jerk. Besides, they’re definitely not lesbians – they have long hair.”
Hope swelled in the bar when Wilder admitted that the two must be more than friends, but it was quickly crushed when he added that the women were “obviously sisters. Think I can still swing a threesome?”
An hour later Wilder remains optimistic, believing the ladies will give him some attention sooner or later. “People come to The Rub Down to get laid, so once they run out of things to talk about, they’ll need someone like me. It’s not like they can sleep togeth- oh wait. Hmm.”