SCARSDALE, NY— Local doting mother Barbara Ann has always cleaned and stuffed her Thanksgiving turkeys but this year she was granted a much deserved reprieve when her son’s older boyfriend, Rick, volunteered to do the dirty work.
“James, my son, told me that Rick would do the job incredibly well as he is a ‘FF Top’,” said Barbara with an appropriate amount of air quotes and trepidation. “James said ‘FF’ stands for ‘fist fucking’ and I just think that’s so festive.”
Rick, who bears a striking resemblance to James’ father, couldn’t help but whistle and growl when he caught a glimpse of the gaping turkey lying prostrate on the kitchen counter. Before Barbra Ann could even react, Rick had already donned latex gloves and a leather harness and was volunteering to prepare the bird.
“I usually start by teasing the hole with at least two fingers,” said Rick of his seasoned technique. “But this turkey was a pro and could take me elbow deep right away.”
Witnesses say that James stood by in jealousy as Rick reached into the turkey, pulled out the gizzard, and smacked and kissed it. Other observers couldn’t help but raise questions as they watched Rick gutpunch the holiday fowl.
“He was talking to the bird like it was alive,” said James’ sister Brittany. “He kept saying things like, ‘That’s a good bird,’ and ‘You like when Daddy turns you into his little puppet, huh?’”
As the bird cooked, the family got to know Rick a little better. He woofed with the dog, sang his solo for the upcoming Gay Men’s Chorus virtual show, and bonded with James’ dad over their shared need for CPAP machines. Come dinnertime, the turkey’s insides were so stuffed that everyone could have a second helping when in years past they fought for morsels. Rick said the secret to expanding the cavity was love, attention, and basting with poppers throughout the roast.