“Can My Tits Go Outside… Forever?” Asks Quarantined NB After Top Surgery Delayed

After weeks of quarantine and a postponed top surgery, 25-year-old Steph Porter contacted the CDC to ask if maybe their tits could go for an extra long walk and then “like… never come back.” 

Porter has been quarantined with their tits and has been continuously reminding them that they legally have to give Porter at least 6 feet of space. “The girls just won’t listen. I even showed them the Fauci PSA!” said Porter. “They’re restless and really need to leave… forever.”

The tits declined to comment, which infuriated Porter who alleges that when the press isn’t around, they’re extremely loud and incredibly annoying.

Porter put on three masks in an attempt to accentuate their jawline and asked, “While we’re at it, could my raging dysphoria go too?”

With regard to Porter’s request, The CDC said, “It might be ok, but to be honest, we don’t really know about trans stuff. Oopsy, sorry!”

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