CHICAGO, IL— “Gay sports,” like “jumbo shrimp” or “beautiful penis,” is an oxymoron. We all harbor some mild trauma from our grade school gym classes. One time a colleague tossed me a stress ball for fun, and I reported it to HR as an act of targeted homophobia. Expecting a gay man to catch a thrown object is vi-o-lence.
That being said, I did join a gay dodgeball team this summer because I am horny and desperate for attention. But instead of attention all I found were 5 sociopaths—really, really hot sociopaths.
Antoine is living with me while my roommate volunteers at a junk art commune in Utah. He signed up for dodgeball first because he wanted to meet new people, and I told him that that was so crazy because I actually LOVE dodgeball and I’ve been thinking of signing up for a while actually. We’ve never hooked up, but I have been buying lust crystals and leaving them under his bed.
Why he’s a sociopath: Antoine has been introducing me to other gay men as his “friend”? An empathetic person wouldn’t do that.
Mike hosted our first team mixer. It turns out that gay sports is actually 30% sports and 70% binge drinking. Mike looks like he would bully me in high school, and that unfortunately really does it for me.
Why he’s a sociopath: Mike cannot pick up basic social cues. For example, when I lingered around after everyone had left the mixer, he didn’t ask me to spend the night with him.
Jim is the oldest one on the team but he’s also the only one I would let fist me. I’m personally not into fisting but if I had a gun to my head and the person was like, “Choose someone to fist you right now,” I’d pick Jim. He works in real estate, but something about his hands tells me he used to work in landscap– huh? Oh, right right right.
Why he’s a sociopath: Jim once told me that he only dates Latino men under 30.
Brad is straight?!?!?!?!?!?!
Why he’s a sociopath: See above.
Kyle has the best body I’ve ever seen. It shouldn’t be allowed to exist outside of Instagram. His abs look like the bottom of an ice cube tray. Other than that he’s a mystery. I think he wears a suit to work?
Why he’s a sociopath: Kyle throws the balls way too hard, and screams at us when we get hit. I tried to confront him about it at $1 Beers, but then he launched into a story about how he drowned his childhood dog because one time it barked too loud… He didn’t break eye contact with me the whole time.
The other people on my team are also sociopaths, just not insanely hot. But they don’t want to fuck me either.