Daily COVID-19 cases in the United States has risen to almost 150,000 cases and 2,000 deaths per day. America has officially had enough and has taken to Instagram, the beloved social media platform and pastime, to officially cancel quarantine.
An unknown person with the Grindr name “Mask4Mask” and a profile picture of a black N95 mask worn as a jock strap messaged retail visual merchandiser Ian Simons of Hells Kitchen at 1:36 AM Tuesday morning. The conversation started off nondescript, but before long, it became clear to Mr. Simons that the anonymous user was trying to hook up then and there.
Weaving macramé has kept me distracted from the fact that, like a good citizen who cares about the well-being of others, I haven’t been fucked in six months.
While many feel remote learning is the safest option during the pandemic, experts say this could cause drastic developmental losses for younger children. Even a few more months at home could lead to decreased language development, stunted emotional skills, and for gay kids, self-acceptance.
As the U.S. continues to bungle its COVID-19 crisis, Satan, the Lord of Darkness, announced a moratorium on American souls entering Hell. “Out of an abundance of caution,” Beelzebub told reporters, “we simply cannot welcome people into eternal damnation who aren’t taking this thing seriously.”