Sparkling Water Comes Out As Queer

MADISON, WI— LaCroix has always been known for having a splash of fruity flavor, but their secret was a mysteryuntil now. “Sparkling water is queer,” Elaine Michaels, spokeswoman for the National Beverage Company, confirmed in a statement on Monday.


“We are proud to promote flavors that represent the diaspora of the LGBT community. From our femme-dom Kiwi Strawberry to our powerbottom Coconut, our butch Blueberry to our lipstick Vanilla Lime. Sparkling water is here, it’s queer, and it’s ready to effervesce.” 


Rumors about sparkling water have been circulating since Vintage brand seltzer released its controversial “Seltzer is for Everyone” campaign, a humane response to Juicy Juice’s “Apples are for ADAM and EVE” ad last July. The progressive ad followed Juicy Juice CEO Portnoy Gutterbaum’s homophobic Twitter rant, where he complained that “gays have claimed fruit for their own culture.”


Noticing a sales boost, Seagrams doubled down on the trend, announcing that their rosé seltzer is “the number one demisexual choice,” while their club soda is “a committed ally.”


But not every brand is making a quiet outing. In a phone interview, Polar Seltzer CFO Doug Kopplebottom said that “[their] Christmas-themed cranberry cinnamon identifies as a pansexual bear.” Asked to clarify, he added, “every sip should make you think of a large but firm older gentleman with a buxom laugh and a great white beard, a guy who just wants to experiment while he’s traveling away from his wife.”


Some have complained that drink companies are capitalizing on the queer community’s tendency to lay claim to inanimate objects. “Sparkling water is not even alive,” pointed out Sandy Dipsum, a queer woman from Connecticut. 


The announcement also drew the umbrage of the anti-gay right. The hashtag “#straightandflat” trended on Twitter, a movement to open and let all soda water go flat so as to “not drink gay soda.” In a statement, the Family First Foundation argued that while “many have asked ‘Why not just drink water? Isn’t water just flat seltzer?’ By buying and opening a gay product, we’re sending the message that this propaganda doesn’t have a place in our supermarkets.”


At time of publication, the “#straightandflat” movement has increased sparkling water sales by 11%.

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