Republican National Convention attendees dropped their robes this week for head witch in charge, J.K. Rowling, who demanded to inspect wands & chambers of secrets. The Harry Potter author, who writes under the pseudonym Robert Galbraith to alter perception of her gender, argues that gender is black and white. “You’re either a he, a she, or a they-who-must-not-be-peeing,” Rowling told her six remaining supporters in a rambling one paragraph, yet 19-page entry on LiveJournal.
Because the event was digital this year, Rowling had to get creative to conjure up fear about who pees where. Republicans had to unzip for her over Zoom. Armed with her sorting hat, Rowling emphatically pointed at the webcam and shouted “Man!” or “Woman!” before granting an attendee permission to use their own bathroom. For any male who could prove he’s exactly 9 and 3/4, Rowling offered a free month of her OnlyFans, a platform where she posts hot takes that would be too easily criticized into oblivion on Twitter.
Amid criticism that her remote bathroom policing is absurd, Rowling countered, “No more absurd than doing it in person?” She then snapped her fingers, seemingly under the impression her clapback was devastating.
At a socially distant press conference in her AstroTERF garden, Rowling was asked about her sudden interest in American politics. Appearing to be several Butterbeers deep, Rowling admitted she sent out thousands of owls, begging to police genitals anywhere that would have her. The Republican National Convention was the only group who returned her owl, albeit riddled with bullets from a hunting rifle.