With Election Day just around the corner, the Trump Administration feverishly fights to win the LGBTQ+ vote. We just scored a list of 5 queer brands that our sweet humanoid eel woman Ivanka plans to (illegally?) endorse, shortly following federal and public backlash after trying to advocate for the American Latinx population by holding up a can of beans.
The memo reads, “Daddy, we are going to SLAY these hunties boots the House of Representatives down. And we’ll be really lowkey about it.”
1. Super Rush Poppers
Charli XCX did it first, but Ivanka Trump will do it second! They will sniff. She will sniff with them. And they will sniff together. They will vote for her. And she will vote for them, except for when it comes to civil rights protections and anything of the sort. But we don’t have to know about that! Gay rights!
2. The Chromatica Jock Strap
What better way to show your love for this nation than by showing your love for an expensive thin piece of fabric? This is definitely not pandering because Ivanka’s husband also loves the Chromatica jock! Even her kids, especially Arabella Rose, wear them–for diaper training, of course.
After hosting a focus group with her one white cis gay friend Johnathan (@theofficialrealjohnathan) who works at McKinsey, Ivanka realized that nothing screams a queer brand like self-hate, internalized homophobia, and instant gratification from either a penis or an Original Chicken Sandwich. So, she’s giving a shout-out to the mecca for Southern Baptists and Midtown gays, all while saving a few cents (just a few) in case gay conversion therapy needs a little lovin’, too.
4. The Dyson V7 Motorhead Vacuum™ (in Fuschia)
“If I love vacuums, then obviously the gays are going to love vacuums,” writes Ivanka in her memo. “It’s an incredible price point at $299, 100% cordless, and ships in 2 days! I even wrote a slugline for us: ‘Sucky sucky dirty slurpy.’”
Alcoholism aside, alcohol really isn’t THAT bad according to Ivanka. I mean, if she says it’s okay to drink and have a secret and wink wink nudge nudge relationship with Russia, then I guess it’s okay, right? Plus, she “stans” Russia and says that they are “defs not” homophobic. So that means we should love Russia, too…right? Right?? RIGHT?!?!!??
Federal ethics laws are meant to prevent financial conflicts of interest; and her father, the President, is meant to prevent anything from happening to her. So, endorsing these brands means nothing bad will ever happen to you or her! But mostly her.