BROOKLYN, NY—Katie Fitzgibbon, a local barista and co-captain of her intramural queer softball team, was just another average queer American, unsure of what could possibly bring her comfort while she’s stuck at home in an uncertain time. Then, she realized—why worry about not being able to afford rent due to lack of work, when she could instead worry about the bleak future of her dilapidated estate due to her lack of income and marital prospects? It isn’t often the stars align for an honest-to-goodness dream come true. In a post-Coronavirus world, this lesbian quarantined in her home finally got to live her dream as an Edwardian spinster.
When she finally drew the correlation between England before The Great War and our own horrifying reality—illustrating the terrible, cyclical nature of modern civilization—she thought to herself, “Worldwide plague? A growing divide between working and upper class people? This is a perfect opportunity to trade in my patterned short sleeve button-up shirt for a tattered dress and ornate but melancholy feathered hat!”
In a letter of correspondence, Katie—who now goes by Katherine of House Fitzgibbon—had this to say: “Though mine evenings are now spent indulging in cannabis leaf and poring over the great works of Brandi Carlile, fret not for my safety nor my sanity! I am of sound health, and further I am contented merely with the knowledge that the genteel populous of my fair city are all joining me in flattening the curve.”
Katherine also mentions that her parents are embracing her Edwardian dream as well! In recent conversations, Katherine’s parents have even been scolding her for not settling for the honorable Dr. Heathcliff Evans, who had called upon her while her beauty was still in its prime. How thoughtful! According to her parents, Dr. Evans is “the last hope” for Katherine, whom they describe as “a fruitless fuddy-duddy.”
Of course, Katherine’s love life isn’t completely out of commission. Now, instead of simply watching lesbian period dramas, her life has become one! For the past few months, she’s been sharing titillating, moments of ecstasy with a cashier at her local Trader Joe’s. Most recently, their tryst came to a head when their gloved hands met briefly while the cashier handed Katherine’s reusable bags back to her, making deliberate eye contact while doing so. Most salacious!
Now that Katherine has achieved her lifelong goal of living in isolated squalor just like a real Edwardian spinster, she intends to avoid allowing her frail, mortal body to be taken by the plague and enjoying herself for as long as she can. According to a recent correspondence, however, she is running low on Charmin Ultra Soft and Truly Seltzers.