Everyday, it seems like trans people are exposed to more and more danger. And in a quarantined world, there’s less and less opportunities for us to safely show cis people that we’re better than them in every conceivable way. Gone are the days of laughing, drinking, overdosing on ketamine, and being forced to purge on that one tree by your apartment, all while turning a flawless lewk.
Now, more than ever, it’s important for us to give ourselves the chance to perform gender in between bouts of being fully cocooned in fourteen blankets in a dark room for three weeks at a time. Here are 5 quarantine makeup looks for when you miss performing gender.
Put on your heels and a bold lip to check the mail
Give yourself some time to feel sexy even when the world is on fire! Strap on your heels, swipe on your favorite red lipstick, and leave your apartment for the first time in weeks.
Warn the old ladies in your building to hold onto their husbands because you haven’t touched another human since March and you’re serving up PUSSY, baby!!! Bonus: nothing will help you forget the all-consuming darkness of total isolation like arch pain. Sickening!
Monochromatic eye for a zoom call with your parents
Maybe this time your loving parents won’t misgender you when you log onto Zoom with a drastic purple glitter eye or a funky highlighter yellow wash on your lids. It’s not likely, but they’ll at least ask if it’s a filter!
And when they Venmo you and tell you to be careful when you go out, you can mask the aberrant fear in your eyes with a carefree wink and a giggle that hopefully doesn’t turn into something else like the last time.
Graphic liner for staring out the window
Whether you’re participating in an obligatory 7:00 pm clap for essential workers, or hoping to attract a passing sailor who will attempt to woo you from the street, nothing says “I still know how to perform gender” like a striking graphic eyeliner! Just like the Rain On Me music video, I’d rather be dry, but at least I’m alive.
Perhaps you catch a glimpse of a former lover walking about town and remember the days when you yourself foolishly took walking about town for granted. Oh, shit, he just saw you peaking out from behind your beaded curtains. No matter, you did the work and spent three hours to painstakingly assure that your graphic liner was completely symmetrical. Checkmate, Andrew.
Cut crease for getting your pizza
Planning to make eye contact with the pizza guy later? The experience will be more memorable for the both of you if you accept your fourth pepperoni and sausage pizza with garlic knots and a two liter of Mr. Pibb Extra while looking him directly in his eyes with your own, superior cut crease eyes.
Thus, asserting your dominance as well as distracting him from the fact that you’re wearing the exact same outfit you were wearing last time he was here. Hey, buddy. My eyes are up here. And my cut crease is up HERE!!!!
Stack false lashes to go to sleep in
If you love bold lashes but hate being mistaken for a drag queen, try out this genius hack! Wear five layers of your favorite falsies to bed so you can experience all of the joy of a pound of mink hair on your eyelids without anyone seeing you in it. Is it uncomfortable? Yes. Is it more comfortable than being verbally devastated by a six-year-old whose parents let them watch Drag Race? Absolutely.
There you have it! If you’re itching for an excuse to perform gender, here’s a makeup look for every quarantine occasion…fuck.