33-Year-Old Man Really Sad About Princess Diana Today

CARRBORO, NC—While staring at the sunset before the rain set in, local man Kyle Booth, 33, asked Siri an important question, “For how long has the world been without Princess Diana?” After receiving the date and not knowing how to do the math, Booth sighed, “too damn long, that’s for sure.” 

Imagining the loveliness forever lost, Booth looked for a Google image that always brought him joy through the years: “Princess Di Revenge Dress.” As he scrolled through variations of the same image of Lady Di looking “absolutely radiant in an off-the-shoulder, form-fitting black silk gown,” Booth let out a gentle sigh for England’s Rose as he stood in line at the CVS waiting to purchase anti-diarrheal medicine and Q-tips.  

“Now that’s how you do it. Diana went all the way the fuck off!” Booth said before his face collapsed as the bleak truth brought him to tears. As the line at CVS waited for Booth to compose himself, he caught a glimpse of the latest People Magazine—Prince Harry and Meghan Markle front and center. “Her?! Have we forgotten the People’s Princess?! Kids these days don’t get it. Diana was iconic! She could have been a meme queen! Y’all are LUCKY she didn’t have Twitter!”

So that Diana may ever grow and flourish in our memory, Booth celebrates the life of The Queen of Hearts every Halloween. A friend who requested to remain anonymous shared, “Kyle dresses up as the Princess Diana Beanie Baby every year. Every year. It was clever at first, but he really needs to stop painting his face dark purple.” 

As Booth wails for the Princess of Wales, he queues up Elton John’s ode to the Lady known as “Candle in the Wind ‘97.” This 22-year-old song means a lot to Booth. “Elton did what every gay best friend should, recycle an old song about another dead person for his dead bestie.”

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