NEW YORK, NY—A group of longtime queer friends was devastated by one member’s behavior at a recent “Sunday Funday” picnic this past weekend. The group originally gathered to celebrate an engagement, but any festivities were overshadowed by the nerve that Ryan Cole, 28, showed by bringing chips and only chips to the event.
“My first reaction was disbelief, honestly,” said Dan Lacey, 29, who successfully transferred his vegan chili to the event across three separate train lines in a crockpot. “I could NOT believe Ryan pulled this shit.”
Another attendee, Chace Wilson, 28, initially did not realize that someone had committed such a heinous deed. The longtime friend of the accused had brought eight separate desserts in order to accommodate various allergies as well as sugar-free diets in the group. When informed of the chip incident, their only comment was “da FUCK?”
The hosts of the event, hoping to celebrate their upcoming nuptials with a group of close friends and one coworker, were unable to continue the event once the terrible faux pas came to light. Beck Withers and Joe Dardenne began the afternoon in a glow of pre-wedded bliss and vegan bug spray. They ended with vows to finally call out their friend for his disrespect.
“I could barely get out the words, but I knew I couldn’t let a second go by without shaming Ryan,” said Withers, 32. “All I wanted was a nice adult picnic and he RUINED it! He didn’t even bring DIP!”
Dardenne, [age withheld], saw the betrayal as less surprising and more typical of the friendship. Said Dardenne, “Ryan is just the fucking worst. He just is. I get that he’s having a rough patch job-wise right now, but we specifically sent out a Google Sheet ahead of time to coordinate food items. Anyone who can look at that doc and bring chips, without even the decency of bringing gluten free ones, is really not fit to be in our friend group.”
By the end of the event, none of the chips were consumed. Whether this was due to the obvious insult in bringing the chips, or the fact that several attendees had dumped the chips into the grass in anger is unclear at the time of publication.
“I actually like chips,” said the lone co-worker. “I don’t even know Ryan, but his good friends convinced me that he had done this absolute worst thing.”
When contacted to provide a comment, Cole’s response was three red face angry emojis.