BALTIMORE, MD—A team of John Hopkins medical researchers brought in a group of lesbians to discuss the orgasm gap—the phenomenon of heterosexual men orgasming 95% of the time compared to heterosexual women’s 65%. However, the participants not only failed to understand the concept, but kept getting distracted by their own climaxing.
“Apparently straight women only cum about half the time, which is crazy,” said Leslie Winters. “But maybe they’re willing to accept that in exchange for bakeries never refusing to make their wedding cakes?”
The focus group put their heads together to try to comprehend the phenomenon, but the proximity of their heads led to kissing which naturally led to fucking. Because this resulted in everyone cumming, these focus group subjects were only more perplexed.
“Lesbians report orgasming 86% of the time, likely due to increased foreplay and oral activities,” reported researcher Dr. Dan Phelps. “But it’s 2020, and modern men should know to incorporate these techniques. Am I—errr, uhh—are men in general really still that bad?”
Another participant proposed that since lesbian couples reportedly have less sex than straights, they go for quality over quantity. “Well, uh, here’s the thing,” said Dr. Phelps, increasingly red-faced and fidgety, “despite having more sex, straight women experience an average of 7 orgasms a month compared to 55 for lesbians.” The doctor then died of shame on behalf of straight men there on the spot.
“HAHAHAHAHA,” Winters told the remaining researchers. “What the fuck? LOL!” The focus group then reportedly had a massive, joint orgasm, which the researchers discovered to be an entirely new type of orgasm.
“Instead of cumming from any physical stimulation, these lesbians came from the combined shock and satisfaction of knowing how much straight sex sucks,” explained Dr. Gale Camino. “We’re calling it an ‘orgasm gap orgasm’.”
Dr. Camino was unavailable for further comment, as she urgently left the observation room to join the focus group for “hands on research.”