Breaking: Nintendo Switch Actually Prefers to Nintendo Bottom

REDMOND, WA— Nintendo’s beloved console, the Nintendo Switch, has been met with controversy since its release in 2017. The system was named for its ability to switch between handheld and TV mode based on whatever the user was in the mood for that night. However, while the console is capable of performing in different positions, it reportedly prefers Nintendo Bottoming more.

 

“As far as console versatility goes, the Nintendo Switch is on top. As far as everything else? Not so much,” reported an anonymous critic and known bottom at the 2021 E3 conference. “Don’t get me wrong, it holds a lot of power. It just performs best when it’s plugged in. I’ve been there, too.”

 

Several players have reported that it runs out of energy too quickly, and can be difficult to control. Due to its low performance as a switch, users are renaming the console “the Nintendo Bottom,” and carrying it around as an accessory rather than just using it.

 

“One time, I put my Pokemon Sword into it, and it got really hot and started making weird noises,” reported one of Nintendo’s top players.

 

The console is designed to fit two joy-cons inside at once, but can also be controlled by up to 8 people for a Super Smash party. A player can grab it in their hands or control it remotely.

 

“Although we intended it to be a Switch, we now realize we developed it as a really good bottom.” Noted Doug Bowser, CEO of Nintendo of America, in response to the controversy. “We designed it so that it would be able to take a pounding and hold up to wear and tear. We even provided accessories like the Joy-Con Ring and the Strap, which would allow for proper handling.”

 

Still, many players have abandoned the console entirely, as they feel it isn’t software-compatible. One complained: “I’m the one lying on the couch. I don’t want my gaming system to sit there, waiting for me to use it.”

 

“We appreciate the community for pointing this out” said Bowser. “No matter how you choose to use our console, the players come first.”

 

In response to the surplus of “Nintendo Bottoms,” the Nintendo Top is set to come out in late 2021.

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