Missing Queer Found Alive in Massive Sweater

PHILADELPHIA, PA— Morgan Wasserman has been found in her apartment buried alive in a massive sweater after an intensive week-long search. Authorities had suggested the worst after she was first reported missing when failing to return texts, but her friends pressed on led by 28 year old Grant Leffler.

 

After failing to bait a response from Wasserman with successive TikToks featuring naive kittens and soft butch lipsyncs, Leffler knew action had to be taken. The police insisted he needed to wait 48 hours. “It had been a full week,” Leffler points out, “and that’s actually not the law. But they finally agreed to open an investigation if I promised to leave the precinct.”

 

Leffler took matters into his own hands and gained access to Wasserman’s apartment after getting in touch with her Craigslist roommate, a white noise artist named Yuri Engleman. Another friend found Engleman’s SoundCloud account under his stage name, “Hunk Catastrophe”. Leffler then found Morgan comfortably swaddled in her room surrounded by empty mugs of tea, watching Steven Universe.

 

“I was in my bed drowning in my favorite sweater and I hadn’t done laundry in a few days, so I guess everyone thought I was laundry,” said Wasserman. Friends reported shaking multiple sweater heaps before finding their beloved friend in a 4XL with a grimacing Tweety bird stitched into the front. 

 

“I sent a really stressful text on Monday and was too nervous to check my phone after that,” Wasserman explained.

 

The police had apparently never checked on Wasserman. Reached for comment, an officer responded that Wasserman had died. Responding to the news that she had been found alive, the officer said, “That sort of thing can go either way,” before hanging up.

 

Wasserman’s friends are ecstatic to hear that she’s safe, a fate that missing queer people are not guaranteed. For her own sake, Wasserman warns of the danger of outrageously huge comfortable sweaters. “We as queer people all want to be swaddled,” she conceded. “But I got so comfortable that I forgot I have a duty to reply to my friend’s texts.”

 

Morgan says she has no intention of ever taking the sweater off. 

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