Coming out to your family can be tough. Even tougher: your extended, crime syndicate family. You can never be totally sure how they’ll react, so it’s important to make sure you come out in a safe way with as few hits ordered as possible. Here are the six best events to pull focus by coming out to your mafia family.
1. This? The Day Of My Daughter’s Wedding?
The family’s all together and dressed in their Sunday best, but why should Michael and Michelle get all the attention? This is the perfect time to get in line with various armed men and make a request of your father: that he love you for you.
“Sorry, Pop, but yeah, I’M GAY! And not like St. Augustine gay, full St. Claudius Gay! Also, I may need you to get rid of someone for me.”
2. Three Mysterious Men From Salerno Visit Your Father In The Middle Of The Night
We’ve all had strange knocks on our doors at midnight from men wanting to speak to our fathers about garbage removal. But how often do we turn these events into opportunities? While you may NEVER be allowed to ask your pop about his business, he should know that he can ask about your sex life!
“Pop, I know you shut this door for privacy, but I’m done with hiding! Hello? I want the world to know, I’m gay! Do you hear that, FBI recording devices? GAY!”
3. Uncle Vinny Has Been Shot And Pop Needs You To Drive Him To The Safehouse, Capiche?
Your Uncle Vinny is bleeding out in the backseat of a stolen car and frankly you can’t let him die without knowing the real you! Go for it!
“Hold it there to stop the bleeding! No higher! Keep his eyes open! Hang on, sharp left here. What did I say, KEEP HIS EYES OPEN! Uncle Vinny! Vinny can you hear me?? I’m gay! Capiche?”
4. After Easter Mass
There’s usually a lull after the egg hunt but before the ziti that’s perfect for airing secrets.
“Obviously this is a more somber Easter than usual. We have an empty chair at our table. But if Uncle Vinny were still with us, I think he’d like us all to welcome my new boyfriend, Matt! BOYfriend, yes! I said it!”
5. Burying A Body With Pop
This is a deeply intimate moment you’re sharing with your father. The two of you together in the dark of night, digging through the cold Earth, covered in the blood of another man—what better, more vulnerable time is there to shout “HERE’S THE REAL ME!” as loud as you possibly can?
“Pop, I’m gay. I know you may not want to hear it, but it’s the truth. Please don’t shush me, I have to get this off my chest. I’ve spent years thinking about how I was going to do this and this is it. I’m gay, okay? No, I won’t keep it down! Here I am! Loud and proud! I want the whole world to see me right now—fuck there’s a light over there! Cover him with some dirt and let’s get the hell out of here!”
6. Pop’s Trial
In an environment where all sorts of once-private things are being made public, why not take this opportunity to show your true colors to twelve strangers? Plus, a gay son is really gonna draw some sympathy from the mothers in the jury.
[In full drag with a massive fan] “My father would never bribe that many congressmen!”
There you have it! Six moments that are simply perfect for coming out to your “famiglia!” From now on you can finally be public about who you really are: the son of a businessman who works in waste removal and nothing else!