Hey, we’ve all been there. It takes a few rounds of crushing on unavailable women and having your heart broken before realizing the toxic pattern you’ve put yourself in and just loving yourself instead. You might think that you started loving yourself after your first mistake, but in reality, it took exactly five straight women and five mistakes. No more, no less. Here are five very straight girls to have big fat crushes on before really realizing it was time for some basic self love.
1. Your Childhood Best Friend
This one is a classic. Young girls are taught that closeness between female friends is perfectly normal, so when you and Miranda shared a sleeping bag at camp, you didn’t think twice about it. Sure, maybe you suggested you “practice” kissing a few more times than she did, but it took you a while to realize you had a major crush on her. Ugh, middle school rolled around, she started dating Devin from Algebra 1 and suddenly you had to decide to love yourself… not because you didn’t gain any kind of self worth, but because Miranda and Devin were french kissing in front of your locker and you needed your health textbook.
2. Your 10th Grade English Teacher
Ah, yes. All queer children follow around their high school English teacher like a baby duck following it’s mother. But you had a strange fascination with Ms. Randell’s personal life: is the “Ms.” because she’s single or because she’s progressive?!?! When you found out it was the latter (and that she had a husband named Tim) you wept that night in the shower. You realized later that it was because you were deeply in love with her. You had no choice but to love yourself… because you needed to think of an excuse for why you’re single real quick. In reality, no one wants to date the closeted lez who is obssesed with their English teacher.
3. Girl in Your College Sorority
Alright, you’re not proud of this one. Once you got to college, you met a lesbian who was like, “oh, I’m not attracted to straight girls,” and you were like, “oh, yeah, same”, when in reality, you were crushing on the Straightest Girl of All: Chi Omega Recruitment Chair Morgan McAlister. Sure, she made out with you to “impress the guys,” but there must’ve been something else there, right? Right!? Apparently not. Jeez, crushing on all these straight girls was a form of psychological torment that always ended in tragedy, but did you realize that? No, you just decided to love yourself because you just bought your first vibrator and Morgan is about to graduate.
4. Your First Boss
Unattainable and therefore could never hurt you? Just up your alley! That’s right, it’s your first boss. She “doesn’t talk about her personal life” and she wears a blazer, so you thought maybe that was something. But then she was like “my sister is lesbian” (as if it were an adjective) and you were like, oh, she’s a big ol’ heterosexual. Either way, she was your boss, so that would’ve been weird, right? Or would it have been hot? Anyway, you decided to love yourself. But, once again, it wasn’t really loving yourself—it was just rewatching season four of The L Word (arguably the horniest season), drinking wine, and tweeting about self love.
5. Girl In Gay Bar
This one was the final straw, because, like, you tried! You decided that in order to start crushing on available women, you should start going to gay spaces. Your first night out at a gay bar, you spot a hot girl, and you’re like “finally!” You spend the next two hours working up the courage to talk to what you believe to be a real, live queer woman, only to find out that she’s there to accompany her gay friend Dan, and she is “an ally”, but not enough of an ally to have sex with you! After spending the next two days crying, you finally decide that the toxic cycle must end! It is time to really and truly love yourself, like, for realsies, because this shit is self-destructive. And once you began loving yourself, available queer women started flocking in your direction, because they could sense your confidence and sound state of mind!
…Just kidding, you’re still single. Good luck out there, bud!