GRAYNESBORO, PA— After decades of banning men who have sex with men from donating blood, the FDA recently revised the lifetime ban to permit donations after three months of abstinence from same sex intercourse. The desperate attempt to increase blood donations has been met with criticism by many, including the ancient undead.
“Three months!? What century are we living in?” said Temecula, the town of Graynesboro’s 600-year-old vampire. “You think I’m gonna ask every man, ‘Oh, before I bite your neck, when was the last time you were intimate with another man?’ What a degrading invasion of privacy!” he yelled while draining the life out of a local drag queen.
Originally from Transylvania, Temecula took up residence in the spooky cave at the top of the town’s hill two centuries ago. The townspeople say he’s a merciless, killing machine who has evaded every capture attempt and made life a living hell, but they appreciate he’s less homophobic than the Food and Drug Administration.
“I literally shit my pants when I hear his shriek, but damn, at least he doesn’t discriminate based on outdated notions of sexuality that have no scientific basis,” said local businesswoman Greta Lang.
“What an antiquated policy. You know you’re behind the times when a centuries old vampire is more progressive than you,” policeman, Jed Graham, noted as he was flown away in Temecula’s clutches.
Families of Temecula’s LGBTQ+ victims all said while they hate “that SOB for killing [their] loved ones,” they’re grateful that he has been an equal opportunity mythical murderer.
“Gay, straight, bi. It all tastes like the inside of an old rusty pipe,” Temecula hissed. “The modern concept of homophobia is a recent Christian doctrine used for oppression. If they don’t want your gay blood, I’ll happily take it.”
Before slinking into his coffin before sunrise, Temecula mumbled something about wishing he was back in the old country where people weren’t judged based on their sexual orientations but for the iron levels in their body’s sweet nectar.
“The idea that a queer citizen would be required to abstain from sex to take part in an altruistic act is ridiculous. Blood is blood is blood is blood is blood,” Temecula bellowed while towering over the townspeople.
We reached out to the FDA for comment, but they were too far inside Gilead’s pocket to give a coherent response.