It isn’t easy being the solo Republican-raised gay girl in my group of very cool, blue state-parented friends. So, I’ve found it necessary to bend a few truths about my well- meaning, loving, but out-of-touch parents to ease the pain when hearing about their feminist dads and pussy hat wearing moms. Besides, what’s the good of being raised by Republicans if you can’t learn to spread some fake news of your own? So, here are the top lies I’ve told to make my parents seem less Republican. You’re welcome Mom and Dad, love ‘snowflake’.
1. My parents love gay people—
They do actually. Just as long as I wasn’t one of them. My neighbor’s gay son? Love him. My queer cousin? Totally adore him. Me? GET STRAIGHT TO CHURCH YOU ATTENTION-SEEKING SINNER.
2. My parents were really patient when I came out of the closet—
actually they confronted me on speaker phone. Then made separate phone calls to each of my siblings to see if I was doing it “for attention.” My siblings continue to report back about how my parents like to explain it to their friends as “something she’s going through,” and “everyone is gay in New York City.”
3. I was raised Catholic but we were never that serious about it—
LOL! LOL! LOL! My mom has more Bibles than she does bras. She’s just never fully read any of them. In fact, she got conveniently more Catholic after I came out to her.
4. My dad is pretty liberal, actually. He only votes Republican for tax reasons—
because he has to pay off his hot tub. And his backyard pool. And his boat. And his lake house. Meanwhile, I went to public school…
5. My mom actually really hates Fox News. She doesn’t even watch it—
mostly because she can’t figure out how to work the complex television system my dad has hooked up in the living room.
6. My dad is very much in support of gun control—
He is just too scared to admit it to all of his super conservative friends. And to his liberal friends. And to himself. Besides, he only has one gun and as long as he is in complete control of it, he’s fine. There, see? Gun control.
7. My dad supports the #MeToo movement—
he does, it’s true! During a discussion at dinner one night he said “I think it’s good.” What about my mom? How my mom feels about it is actually none of your business so let’s just get back to enjoying brunch, ok Amy? Who cares if she thinks we’re ‘being dramatic’ and need to learn to ‘take a compliment.’
And finally, the top lie that I’ve told to make my parents seem less Republican:
8. No, my parents didn’t vote for Trump—
that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Besides, you can’t prove that they did. No one can. There’s laws against that sort of thing. And everyone has to respect voter laws. Unless, of course, you’re a Republican…
Feel free to borrow any of the above. And honestly, most of you have probably already used the last one.