CHICAGO, IL— In a move confusing to the entire LGBTQ+ community, 27-year-old Lisa Maher was seen strutting down Broadway Avenue on Tuesday morning sporting a leather jacket despite being straight.
“It was bizarre the way she just held her head up high and walked with such straight posture,” remarked onlooker Claire Brisling, “She wasn’t even wearing pants.”
Sources indicate Maher daringly paired the black leather beauty over some floral dress and tights before making a beeline into Anthropology. Brisling, tipped off by Maher’s strange behavior after seeing her walk less than two feet, noticed her lack of queer after seeing no visible lesbian strut, a staple to every leather jacket wearer.
“There was no swagger. She didn’t even hunch her shoulders or say ‘hey mama’s’ once,” said Brisling. “In fact, she was walking with her shoulders back. What are straight people trying to accomplish with good posture?”
According to Brisling, the most off putting thing about Maher’s bold decision to wear a leather jacket was not only the lack of swagger, it was the conscious decision not to wink at anyone on the street.
“I mean, how are you going to walk down Broadway in a leather jacket and not ‘sup’ a lesbian once?” said Brisling. “It feels like a hate crime, why wear it if you’re not going to flirt?”
Maher was last seen sniffing candles in Bed, Bath, and Beyond, ignoring the trail of women tailing her asking if she would want to get a drink at the Closet later that night.