This year has been an especially lonely one and it’s felt even more during the holidays. Some are missing physical touch and longing for the warm embrace of a loved one, while others just want an 8-foot tall goat-horned Christmas demon to plow them into yesteryear.
Hey, we don’t judge! Quarantining for the better part of a year makes us horny for some taboo things. But don’t run from it, embrace it! If you follow this 5-step guide, you’ll have Krampus knotting inside of you before you can say Froliche Krampusnacht.
Step One: Decorate! (As If You Were An Austrian Peasant)
Even Krampus loves holiday decorating, but don’t go to Michael’s and fill your cart with tinsel and candy canes. The origins of Krampus date back to pre-Christian alpine traditions, so you’ll want to make your home look like it belongs in a Central European village. The more austere the better.
Consider pinning the fraying threads of your old tunics onto a potato to make a Christmas doll! Or tie your used sausage casings together to make a festive garland! Don’t forget the bedroom either, that’s where the magic will happen after all. Stuff your mattress with straw to get that real “fucked raw by Krampus” feeling.
Step Two: Queer The Narrative! Be Naughty, Not Nice!
Krampus historically gives nice children modest gifts like chocolate or dried fruit, but naughty kids get birch rod only. So if you are extra naughty, Krampus will reward you with not just birch rod but also his rod.
So be bad! Vandalize a police car! Doxx your ex! Steal your stocking stuffers from Target so that you can be stuffed! We’re already gay, we’re going to hell regardless. And if you’ve been nice all year, don’t worry about backloading your naughtiness, Krampus won’t care when he’s cramming it in your puss.
Step Three: Get Your Friends Involved!
Krampuslauf is a traditional parade in which men dress as Krampus and run through the streets. You’ll want Krampus to feel celebrated so why not throw your own little Krampuslauf with your friends.
We promise that there’s something about wanting to have your hole destroyed by a massive, monstrous demon dick that isn’t unique to you. You’ve definitely got friends who are just as lonely and horny in the pandemic and sharing is part of the holiday spirit. Just because this new tradition is nasty, gross, and you should be entirely ashamed about it in every single way, doesn’t mean you can’t spend it with the people you care about.
Step Four: Send Krampus A Woof On Scruff!
Krampus visits children on the night of December 5th, the eve of the Feast of St. Nicholas, known as Krampusnacht. After that, he’s furloughed and spends most of his time perusing the apps. Krampus isn’t on Grindr, it’s not his scene, but he’s pretty easy to find on Scruff.
Once you’ve completed the aforementioned three steps, give him a woof to sow the seeds of lust in his caprine loins. If you’ve been naughty enough, you won’t even have to drop a pin, he knows where you are…
Step Five: Wrap Your Ass Like A Present, And Wait…
Much like the Elf of a Shelf, or St. Nick himself, Krampus is an essential worker during the holidays. He toils tirelessly roaming the streets, thrashing his chains, and giving all the naughty children their Ruten bundles. It’s high time he gets a gift of his own.
So put on your favorite holiday jockstrap, slap a bow above your hole, and get face-down-ass-up under the tree. Within minutes you’ll hear the heavy clop of his hard hooves, feel the tickle of his long pointed tongue on the small of your back, inhale the rot and must of his hot breath, and, uh… well, you get the picture.
This guide is foolproof, and if you follow it to the letter, we can promise you that you’ll get a dicking down that will make up for all the down dicking you’ve sacrificed this year. Oh, and one last tip: if you’re not used to being split in two by a dick that’s half your body weight, you’ll want to invest in an anal training kit. Just trust us. Happy holidays, monsterfuckers!