City Queer Misses Holiday Hook Ups With Parents’ DL Friends

ASTORIA, NY— I’ll be home for Christmas–a statement that is sadly not true for many this holiday season, as queer city transplants yearn for the annual treat of hooking up with their parents’ DL friends and acquaintances within their small hometowns.


Alex Colman, a current resident of Astoria, NY and hillbilly by descent, reminisces: “I’m really going to miss having my mom’s mechanic spit in my mouth by the dumpster behind the bank this Christmas.” It had become one of Colman’s favorite holiday traditions–right up there with Grandma’s pumpkin rolls.


Colman’s is also concerned that he will miss updates about Nicole R., his friend from pre-school, and her Etsy shop. If Colman is unable to meet up with Nicole R’s dad this year in his Toyota Sienna in the YMCA parking lot for his annual rimjob and reach-around, how else will they get their Etsy update? Colman ponders: “I can’t just message Nicole R. on Facebook. That would be weird, right?”


Colman reveals that they had had big plans for 2020: This was the year that he was finally going to close with the daddy who plays Santa Claus at the Elks Club annual holiday party.


“We had major vibes last year in the bar downstairs with the illegal gambling machines,” Colman claims. ‘The suit smelled like polyester and karate class, but I was into it until my old Sunday school teacher came in to break it up.” Security camera footage from the lodge’s 2019 event backs up that assertion, capturing vigorous, prolonged over-the-suit touching followed by a short trip to the bar’s poorly ventilated bathroom.


Colman will also miss seeing their nieces and nephews and the family dog this year.

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