During these uncertain times, the only thing sexier than having a secret stash of toilet paper, is having a healthcare plan adequate enough to cover hospital visits and acne topicals. That’s why we’ve curated this list of five super cute, and super queer button-ups that scream “yeah, I am hot enough to get on your private health insurance plan.” Because why look for love when you could be looking for affordable medical treatment?
Ah, a queer classic. No queer wardrobe is complete without one of these babies. That’s why you should slip into one the next time you get the mail! It’ll totally catch the eye of that hottie in your building who hasn’t been laid off yet. Then you can finally say goodbye to those scabies! Or…shingles? You’ll figure it out!
The Hawaiian Shirt
Perfect for spring, this tropical classic isn’t just for dads anymore! Throw one on before hitting up the grocery store for your next canned food haul, and every shopper with a pulse and a PPO plan will want to call you daddy. Then you can see a therapist about those weird sex dreams you’ve been having about Dylan McDermott dressed as Santa Claus!
The Denim Vest
Oh man, nothing makes me melt quite like a denim vest. Not only is it Lilith Fair-chic, but it’s also the perfect thing to wear on your next walk. Every Humana card carrying babe in your neighborhood will want to get 6-feet closer. Celebrate by seeing someone about that headache you’ve had for the last seven months!
The Vintage Shirt
Ever feel like you were born in the wrong decade? You need this vintage 70’s button-up, STAT. Wear it in your next mirror selfie and that stud with those sweet tech job benefits will slip into your DMs faster than you can say “low deductible.” Then you can finally afford to talk to a psychiatrist about why you have a panic attack every time you see a targeted ad for female hair regrowth serum!
The Western Shirt
Queer people got two good things from the south: Beyonce, and western shirts! Not only are they sexy, but thanks to the easy-access pearl snaps, that cute essential worker with the out-of-network coverage will want to rip into yours (in twelve to eighteen months from now)! At last, you’ll finally be able to go to the hospital for that profusely bleeding head wound you honestly can’t remember getting! Ouch!
Whether it’s a sexy flannel or a chill denim vest, one of these button-ups is sure to get you covered. So go order one, now! At the very least you can use it to mop up your own blood or bite down on it as you perform your own amputation. Or both!